I've been meaning to write the story of Lilia's birth for a while now. We just celebrated her 3 month "birthday" last week, and I feel that every day longer that I wait to write this, the details get foggier. So, here it is!
*I'm assuming that anyone who is choosing to read this is comfortable with the all of the ooey-gooey details of childbirth. I tried not to get too TMI with it ;) I also want to say that I am in no way judging anybody else for their decisions and opinions regarding childbirth/parenting. To each their own...this is just my story*
I'm going to start out by describing Gavin's birth, because I feel like that will help explain the beliefs I have now, and why I was determined to do things differently the second time around... and also because I never took the chance to write it down properly :). With Gavin, I wasn't really concerned with the details of the birth. I just wanted to leave the hospital with a healthy baby, and was just focused on everything that would happen after the birth. He was born nearly 2 weeks after his due date through a medical induction. I agreed to the induction because I was tired, swollen, and my mom was in town, so I thought it would just be more convenient to schedule the day my son would be born.
We got to the hospital around noon on Sunday, the 20th of September, 2009, and I was hooked up to the IV, and my nurse midwife, Julie, broke my water. After that I walked around the corridors of the labor ward with my husband with only some mild crampiness. After a couple of hours, I was checked to see if I had dilated any, and I was at 4 centimeters--only half a centimeter more than I had been when I arrived at the hospital. Julie suggested that they give me some pitocin to help speed things along; I agreed...bad idea. After they administered the pitocin, it was like a light-switch was flipped on. I had gone from having mild, very manageable contractions one second, to the next having back-to-back, excruciatingly painful ones. I stayed in the bed and could hardly move because the pain was so constant and overbearing, and I cried.
I don't really remember many of the details after that, but, eventually I begged for the epidural. I do remember when the anesthesiologist gave me the epidural I felt a sharp, jolting pain down my left leg, and him having to insert the catheter a second time. The second time it worked. I don't remember how much passed after that before I felt the incredible pressure and urge to push out my son. The midwife came, I pushed for 20 minutes and Gavin was born at 8:01 pm. He was such a beautiful baby :). Afterwards, Julie told me that she had given me an episiotomy. I was surprised that I had not been asked if I wanted one. Luckily, I only needed a few stitches. Gavin was born weighing 8 lbs 1 oz., 19 inches long, and healthy.
I wasn't really dissapointed with the birth experience I had when I delivered Gavin until I became pregnant with Lilia. I feel like becoming a mommy brought out the "crunchiness" in me, or perhaps it was always there, and becoming a mother just put me more in touch with it. Either way, ever since then I began to strive for all things natural, the way God intended them to be. Why should childbirth, which is arguably the most natural thing a woman will ever do, be any different? I became informed about practically every detail of pregnancy and birth--from both a medical point of view, and from more a more natural one. I realized that our bodies are created for childbirth, and that most women do not need doctors to help them along with drugs and other interventions (there are exceptions, of course). I suddenly became slightly angry with myself for just going along with whatever my doctors told me during Gavin's birth, and was determined to do things differently this time. Here are the things that I was passionate about:
- I no longer felt pressured by my "due date." I was not going be induced with Lilia, unless their was a medical emergency.
- I did not want to be hooked up to an IV as soon as we got to the hospital. I wanted the freedom to move around to help labor progress naturally.
- I refused to get an episiotomy. I was tore naturally, that was fine, but I did not want to be cut again. This was the change that I was most adamant about. I do not believe that my episiotomy with Gavin was necessary at all, and it caused me a lot of problems and discomfort that lasted for almost a year after his birth.
- I wanted to labor as naturally as possible, ideally without an epidural.
- Lastly, I really wanted a home birth, but we do not have our own house yet, and my husband wasn't comfortable with the idea at the time. Maybe next time :).
Ok, so now with Lilia's story...
My pregnancy with Lilia was fairly easy, with no complications, and only a few aches and pains. But, in the weeks before my due date (October 9th) I was getting extremely antsy, uncomfortable, and just ready for labor. This may sound weird, but labor is my favorite part of being pregnant--I was actually looking forward to it. I'm not sure why this is, but throughout the whole pregnancy, the anticipation of that day and every painful detail makes me so excited, and with that excitement comes impatience. I had a feeling that Lilia would come before my due date, unlike her brother, but if she did not, I was determined to just wait it out--no induction this time.
On the afternoon of Wednesday, September 28th, I had what would be my last prenatal appointment. My midwife, Julie (yes, same as with Gavin), examined me, and I was dilated 3 1/2 centimeters, which was 1 centimeter more than I had been the week before. We all felt like labor was imminent, but I was not yet having noticeable contractions. I asked Julie if she would strip my membranes, which meant she would runs her fingers between the amniotic sac and the wall of my uterus. If your body is ready for labor, then this will sometimes set it off. We had also tried this when I was pregnant with Gavin, and it did not work. My body was not ready with Gavin, but this time it was. After my appointment, I immediately felt crampy. Joe and I got into our car and he called his parents to let them know what had happened at the doctor's office, and that I could go into labor that night.
When we got home around 5 pm, the contractions began to have a definite pattern, and became stronger, but not really painful. I made dinner--chicken breasts with salad...it would not be the last time I saw this dinner. After we ate, we decided to go to the mall to walk around some, to encourage the contractions along. I was very excited :). So, we walked around the mall, but I soon became irritated by all of the noise and people, and the contractions, while still not really painful, were getting worse. We were sure that this was real labor at that point, so we went to my in-laws house to drop Gavin off. We waited there until they got home, and then my Joe and I left to go back to our house. I wanted to labor at home as long as I could before we went to the hospital. I showered and shaved, and then relaxed on the birthing ball for a while. Joe was getting nervous at this point, but the contractions were still very manageable, and I wanted to go walking around our neighborhood for a little while. However, it was very dark outside since we don't have any street lights where we live, and the contractions began to get stronger. Joe convinced me that it was time to go to the hospital finally, so we went back inside and made sure that everything was packed in our bags, loaded them in the van, and left.
At this point, it was about 10:30 pm. We stopped at 7-11 on the way to get my hubby an energy drink and me some orange juice. When we got to the hospital, we had to go in through the ER since it was so late at night. I told the people at the front desk that I was in labor, and that my midwife was expecting me. They kind of looked at me, and I don't think they really believed me. Finally, an orderly came to escort us up to labor & delivery. They made me sit in a wheelchair, even though I was definitely capable of walking on my own. We were put in a triage room, where I changed into my gown, was admitted to the hospital, and waited for Julie to come and check me. When she did she determined that I was now at about 6 centimeters. Woohoo! I was so excited that I had made progress, as I had fully expected to arrive at the hospital and only have dilated 1/2 a centimeter or so. After that, we were led to a room.
My nurses came in and introduced themselves. I asked if they would just insert a hep-lock, instead of an actual IV; this way could still move around easily, and if at any time during labor I needed an IV then it would only take them seconds to hook it up. It took them several attempts to actually get the hep-lock in (I had the bruises from their failed attempts for several weeks after birth). Two nurses tried a couple of times each, and, finally, another nurse came in to try. This nurse was a woman that I recognized from church...it's a small world :). She finally got it on the first try. The nurses then left us alone. I walked around the room for a while. The contractions were slowly getting more intense...not too painful, but painful enough to make me have to stop whatever I was doing when they happened.
My mother-in-law and my two sisters-in-law arrived at about 11:30 pm. After their arrival the contractions began to get stronger, fast. I was still walking around, and when they hit I would lean on whatever was nearest to me, rock back and forth, and wait for them to pass. I became pretty nauseous, and I did throw up a few times (hello, chicken breasts and salad...). The citrus smell and taste of my juice helped a little bit with the nausea, and even though the nurse told me I was to drink clear liquids only, I kept sipping at it when I could. The contractions became almost back-to-back, and time became a blur. I'm not sure how much time passed, but before I knew it, I was on my knees in the bathroom, dry heaving over the toilet for several minutes, because there was nothing left in my stomach to throw up. I was so tired, haven't not slept much in the past few nights. I sat down to go to the bathroom and could feel the extreme pressure of the baby's head. It felt so low, and the pressure became very intense.
I started to panic, and told Joe that I didn't know if I wanted to feel this baby come out of me. What if I tore? I was terrified of actually
feeling that; that is the only thing that frightens me about birth, and I just couldn't get over it. He asked me if I wanted him to call the nurse and ask them to give me an epidural. I knew that the baby was going to come SOON. I'm not sure how dilated I was, because I wasn't checked again after the first time when I arrived at the hospital, but I guessed that I was probably in the transition period between labor and birth. I didn't even know if an epidural was still an option. He asked me again, and the fear and exhaustion took over, and I said yes.
I waited in the bathroom and dealt with the contractions, while Joe called the nurse for me. The nurse came in to check on me. She saw how close together and strong my contractions were, and said that she was not even going to check how dilated I was, for fear that I would be so far along that the anesthesiologist wouldn't bother coming (most times if you are past 8 centimeters they won't do an epidural). Looking back, I wish that I had just toughed it out through that last period...I came
so close. I feel like if I had kept walking around as I had been, that baby would have been there in no time. But, instead, I got in the bed and fought the contractions until the anesthesiologist came. He was very nice, and explained everything that he was doing. He waited until a contraction passed, and then inserted the catheter for the epidural in the short period of time before the next contraction came. Shortly after that, the pain of the contractions faded, but the pressure still remained. I closed my eyes and tried to relax.
I think the epidural slowed down my labor a little bit. Joe, my mother-in-law, and sisters-in-law all laid down to sleep while they had a chance. The pressure and urge to push became very intense again, but I wanted to wait as long as I could before calling the nurse in to check me, because I was tired, and didn't want to have to push for a long time. Finally at around 5:30 I knew that I couldn't wait any longer, so I called the nurse and told her that I was ready to push. The nurse came in and everyone in the room woke up. She checked me, said that the baby's head was right there, and suggested that we do a couple practice pushes before she called Julie in. I did one push, and she told me to stop; this baby was coming out FAST. She called Julie, and while we waited for her to arrive, everything was set up in the room to prepare for the birth.
Julie came and got situated, and I remembered at the last minute to tell her that I did NOT want an episiotomy, and that I would rather just tear naturally if I was going to. She agreed, although I think I offended her slightly by asking. Oh, well. Someone said that they could see her hair, and that it was dark. I pushed for maybe five minutes, and, at 5:50 am, out came my lovely, screaming baby girl. They placed her on my chest and I was shocked at how small she was; my belly had been much bigger during my pregnancy with her than it had been with my 8-lb son, so I expected her to be at least the same size, if not bigger, than he was.
Julie had me push the placenta out, and told me that I had only had a minor tear that might need a stitch or two. After a little while, the baby was weighed and again, we were all surprised that she only weighed 6 lbs and 15 oz. Joe asked me what her name was (we had been debating about a couple of different ones), and I told him that it was Lilia Claire. Lilia means "what belongs to me, belongs to God" in Hebrew, and I loved how feminine and pretty it was. I am not sure what Claire means, but it just
fit.
Lilia stayed with me for about an hour before she was taken to the nursery to be bathed, much longer than Gavin had. I liked it much better this way, because it gave us time to bond, for Lilia to nurse for the first time, and for us to just relax. One of the nurses asked if we wanted Lilia to be given the hep-B vaccine, and we declined; I thought that she had been through enough for the day without being poked with needles. I don't even recall anyone asking me if we had wanted Gavin to get the vaccine. Joe went with Lilia when she was taken to the nursery, and I was wheeled to the recovery part of the maternity ward, and into my new room. I stayed there for a few minutes, and then walked over to the nursery to see my new baby girl. Joe and I watched, along with several nursing students as Lilia was bathed and shampooed. She thoroughly enjoyed the shampooing part :).
After that, we stood by her crib in the nursery for a little longer while she was examined. During this time, another woman, a nursing instructor at Germanna Community College came over to admire Lilia. She obviously assumed that this was my first baby, and I did not bother to correct her. She informed me that Lilia had a marker in her blood that made her more susceptible to have higher bilirubin levels, so I would need to make sure she was eating well to flush it out of her system. She then told me that Lilia's frenulum was sort of far forward and that she was possibly tongue-tied, and went on and on about how this would make breast-feeding very difficult. The whole time she was telling me this, I was thinking, "Really? Could you be any more insensitive?" She really made me mad, especially considering that she was a nursing teacher, and if I ever encounter her in my nurse training at Germanna, I will be sure to tell her how poorly she delivered all of this information.
Anyway, finally Joe, Lilia, and I were all alone in our room (my mother-and-sisters-in-law had all left to get some sleep). We were both in awe of how beautiful she was. Most babies are born with bruising or red, splotchy faces, but hers was flawless. I felt awesome for just having delivered a baby--it was relatively easy to move around, and there was little to no pain. The next day I was pretty sore and achy all over. Another thing that was very different from my first birth is the afterpains that I experienced...oh my goodness, were they painful. They were just as bad, if not worse than the contractions were, and they lasted for almost a week after the birth. Ouch! I had no issues at all with breastfeeding, just as before. I truly believe that attitude has a lot to do with that; I never let any of the potential problems that can occur with breastfeeding, and, I think because of this, there weren't any issues, even with her increased risk for jaundice (again, I realize that there are cases where breastfeeding does not work out.). We had several visitors, all of whom remarked at how lovely Lilia was.
We were discharged the day after her birth. My 1-2 stitches from where I tore during the birth fell out a day or so after we got home from the hospital, and I am happy to say that I have had ZERO issues, pain, or complication from that minor tear...which could have been very different had I not specifically requested no episiotomy.
I want to make it clear to everyone that my feelings about my birth experiences in no way impact the extent of my love for my children; they arrived into the world whole and healthy, and I do realize that that is all that matters in the end. Am I disappointed that I ended up getting an epidural again? Yes, and no. I am mostly annoyed at myself at having gone that far without it...if I hadn't let the fear overcome me, I believe that I could have done it without. But, it happened, and that is just the way it is. This birth experience was way better than my first. Maybe one day in the future I will get my all-natural home birth, but, maybe I never will, and I am okay with that--as long as the outcome is a healthy child :)
Ps. I explained the meaning of Lilia's name, so I thought I'd do the same for Gavin, for those of you that don't know. His first name means "Little hawk," and Harley is his Daddy's middle name...neither of my childrens' names were really chosen based on the meaning, but I think that it is a fun little bit of information :)
